Bee's blog

Italian Witchcraft reading is...

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Book 7)

My reading list has begun to pick up as of the last few weeks and I'm glad its the case. I haven't had any dedicated reading time since the last Harry Potter book which is actually pretty damn pathetic. Besides the wrapping up of an era for me, it really had no substance in terms of bettering myself.

I didn't even think much about the damn Harry Potter book. It was what it was, and it was good to wrap up and finish, but as for literary merit? Not very much, I don't think...

Either way, I've begun to really stop trying to judge a book by its cover, at least in the "Metaphysical" aisle of the Borders I frequent. For the longest time whenever I walked through the aisle that stored books about Past Life Regression, Animal Spirits, and Candle Magick, I wrinkled my nose and said "no thanks." My mother made a comment to me about it one day when I walked by there- that she said I'm too skeptical and cynical about the books I pick up. It's not that I don't think they don't have some sort of merit... it's just I don't want to buy or read a bullshit book. It's a pretty understandable feeling, isn't it?

Italian Witchcraft: The Old Religion of Southern Europe

So in my attempt to break out of my stereotyping bull shit books, I decided to go ahead and buy a book about Italian Witchcraft. Five or six chapters in, I feel nauseated and just a little bit irritated. No doubt it's not all bullshit- but the book reads like a college essay with long excepts from 19th century books as filler space by authors who's histories aren't explained nor their motivations for writing what they did. Needless to say, I'm aggravated at my purchase but will continue trucking through until the end of the book.

I think besides saying it all reads like BS, I have complaints in the lack of organization in writing... it jumps around and the labeled chapters seem to be disregarded completely. The author's main preoccupation seems to be proving that Italian Witchcraft is older than the Celtic and Northern European traditions as well as claiming that Italian Witchcraft has been handed down in hereditary traditions in an unbroken line.

And who the hell is Charles Leland and why should I believe anything he wrote? In the same tangent, why should I believe the author of this book when Leland is her only real source of written evidence besides trial transcripts from the times of the Inquisition?

Needless to say, I'm extremely skeptical of the historical background Raven Grimassi is presenting and liable to roll my eyes for the other 3/4 of the book I still have yet to read. I think this is going to influence me into buying more history books than Witchcraft books in the long run and read up on Etruscan and Ancient Roman history instead. And as for the Italian Witchcraft workshop I was planning on attending in a few weeks? I'm not quite so sure yet. I might go but no doubt will not be able to stamp out the cynical part of myself that might disregard the entire lecture and is all ready thinking the workshop will be a waste of 20$.

Well, maybe I won't be so severe about the topics covered in the book. I'll be taking notes from now on and plan to do some research about everything I'm skeptical about until I can come to my own well rounded conclusions about both the merit of the book and the merit of the sources.

Hachi.

Making the statement that I really relate to a manga is pretty fucking silly, especially when it comes to a popular girl's manga that many, many people like. While I may not voice it aloud to others, however, the little comments about life and love and finding happiness that are thrown about like narrative hit close to home every time I read the next installment.

Nana, Volume 2 (Nana)

Literally, "nana" means 7 in Japanese. Two girls by the same name- two backgrounds and respective relationship histories come together to become roommates and best friends. The story explores one Nana's struggles making it in the music industry-- while also showing the struggle of the other Nana regarding growing up, love, and happiness.

Interestingly the card I pulled to speak about this today was the Major Arcana VIII - Strength. Or 8. Or "hachi"- the nickname one of the Nanas gives the other... and whom I most feel like I relate to right now. Again, it brings up that whole childish thing about feeling like you relate to a fictional character. A graphic novel character, nonetheless! But I suppose amusingly, the tarot deck I'm using is the LS Manga... and things like this happen.

The Strength card covers so many different aspects of a person, but considering how much I've been preoccupied with my lovelife, Strength definitely represents my happiness. "Hachi" struggles to be strong and realize love... while at the same time I do the same. I'm not in a melancholy or depressed mood as I write this. I contemplate it with an even temper and its one of those things that makes me pull out the quote that really got to me from reading the manga:

Back in those days... I didn't really know how to love anyone. But I wanted so much to be loved."

Hachi

It's a pretty corny line but I think when it comes down to it, it comes from those emotions that you repress but know to be true. Laugh and gloss it over on the surface, but deep down its so true.

The end of the year is quickly approaching and as I reflect over what the fuck went on in my lovelife, I feel like a character out of this story. The beginning of the year I was filled with depression and longing over someone who didn't look at me in a romantic light. I hung on every single word and hint at interest, hoping to find something there that could give me affection, attention, and that fairy tale relationship. Unfortunately, I was left depressed for a long time only to have that connection fall apart, crashing and burning. Now I'm at the beginning of another and with the opportunity to grow hopefully- but then I remember that quote: "I didn't really know how to love anyone--". And I know its so very true.

I guess it asks me to really think about and contemplate what it is I'm looking for. Sex? A relationship? Or just the feeling of being in love?

The Strength card I'm looking at pictures a girl hugging a tamed tiger besides her. Is the tiger sleeping- or just calmly submissive? It doesn't matter, I don't think. But there are roses- lots of them- all of which are red and frame the lake near the bottom of the card. Speaking in "symbols", red roses are love and water stands for emotions- it's quaint.

As I continue to read the adventures of the two Nanas, I have to really look at my romantic patterns. To be honest with myself above everything else and to actually let myself "fall in love": whether it be just passionate feeling or true love. In a world of bitterness and cynisism, its difficult to get down to the bare bones of emotions... but there is a level of Strength in that, too. Admitting that you have those archaic and mundane feelings that are deemed petty. It's like being able to laugh at your own mistakes... but laugh deeply and heartily without regret. 

The Real Hermit

Its interesting to think that The Hermit card from the tarot is both my sun sign (Virgo) as well as a multiple of my birthcard ( III - The Empress). I think in general I'm usually confused as to what the fuck the Hermit means besides... thinking. A lot. People use the metaphor of the old village hermit that used to go off into the wilderness and do his own thing, even if it was unconventional. That he probably smelled, didn't mind peeing in the bushes, and would tell you you need to experience and do all the work yourself to really draw out the meaning of something. Although Buddhist monks seem to usually be pictured with other monks, I think of their reclusive nature as being of a Hermit-quality.

 

But honestly, how the hell does that apply to my daily life? As I type I'm sitting at the kitchen table, chai tea and cream cheese muffin besides me having just pulled that card to write about today. "What should I write about right now?"-- The Hermit. In my card is a girl holding one of those little toy things that kids have in their craddle- the ones that dangle over a baby's head and turn, except that its gold, looks light, and instead of random coloured animals, has stars and jewels dangling. She's carrying a staff in the other hand and I have no problem imagining her being one of those Vestal Virgins from Ancient Rome. (The deck I'm using is the LS Manga Tarot, by the way.)

 

Regardless, I know damn well that right now there's a lot of things for me to think about-- too many to eloquently and conscisely write about in this post. School, work, relationships, love life- there's way too much fodder to be kicked about and chewed upon until my teeth fall off. Or it could also be that if I were to dwelve into any of those topics, I would undoubtedly repeat myself over and over in the span of hours because I feel so strongly about them all.

 

It's pretty fucking obvious what The Hermit is saying: go out, think all of these things over in a timely manner and return back to the village with new knowledge and perspectives. But in the world of practicality, how far away should I go out? How long should I think of these things? Should I take notes? Should I write out a long proposal on how to manage all of these things? Frankly it seems more like something that The Emperor would do rather than The Empress. The Emperor with all his maps and notes and plans of attack to get shit done-- while The Empress would just dive in and let things happen as they happen- organically and chaotically at the same time. I suppose to some extent this really parallels life's contradictions. As a Virgo I embrace being able to plan meticulously every single detail when it comes an endevour or situation... but there's always that lingering sentiment that things should always go as naturally as possible.

 

So back we go to The Hermit and what the hell I'm supposed to write about today. I think the journey The Hermit takes is half over once you realize you actually need to sit there and think about things. I'm not saying people are shallow-- but I think the general consensus is that most people don't stop to sit down and think and come to their own conclusions. They think that the solution will suddenly come up on its own or that things will "work out in the end". Sometimes they will, sometimes they won't. I think The Hermit propels you to actually be consciously aware that it really is time to sit down, drink some tea and have a breakfast pastry, and list out what problem areas you're facing and reevaluate each and every one. Its a daunting task and rather frightening to consider that you actually are planning to sit there and THINK. And yes, I mean sitting there and pondering Aristotle-style with only the set mind of "I'm going to figure this the fuck out." Personally, I've found just writing and writing and writing about the problem gets my mind on a roll to where I eventually decide on my position having "discussed it" with myself. Yes, you could always tell your best friends about it, but they're not making the decision for you; you are, which is exactly what The Hermit is saying.

 

Go off by yourself, on your own, and just do what you have to do to come back with your own conclusions, your own thoughts and perspectives, and you'll undoubtedly be left with knowledge that you came to these conclusions ON YOUR OWN. You didn't have them handed to you on a silver platter like the rest of the sheep who usually prefer to refuse thinking past what's been laid out in front of them.

My "holiday cheer" has decided to bow out for the year.

The fall has finally arrived in my part of the world and I have to say that it definitely brings up the issues of warmth- not only physically and what comes out of our heaters, but warmth from others and what's supposedly important in our lives. Screw family love and camaraderie and all the many ideals that should be held in humble gratitude. The idea of the commercialized holiday season rips them to shreds.

To be quite honest, I love Christmas- the actual day of it. I like it, it's nice. I just can't stand everything that happens leading up to it. The faux "holiday cheer". It's a nuisance and the entire touting of The War on Christmas is nothing but a scandal to bring up every year in order to get people riled up. So what if there's a war on Christmas? People'll still buy things and everyone always needs a stick up their ass so please continue Fox News, it amuses me so.

I think comparing "holiday cheer" with the sting of a wasp is a nice metaphor to make. Infected and full of puss. Agitated, swelled up, and rather painful. You might have to take some medication. The basic actual kindness that should otherwise be expressed to others is seen as a big giant PLUS in a world where otherwise you don't give a shit. Working in the food industry, the tips we could otherwise receive are seen as much more "giving" just because of the season. I'm sorry- are all those lattes I make during July not as appreciated as they are in December?

Either way, it really is bitterly laughable that people take such a thing as holiday cheer seriously. Christmas trees up in October, people trampling over each other on Black Friday, and political correctedness plagues us in such a way to make a mockery of the supposed things the holiday represents.

And believe me when I say I'm not some bitter and angry Pagan beotch-- because as I said, I love the holiday. It's nice. I just find it rather pathetic to have to deal with exaggerated faux-merrymaking when the day right after Christmas the world goes back into "I don't give a shit" mode.

Yoga: Week 4

So while I talked about logging my yoga ventures in this particular blog, while I haven't written, I most certainly have things to say now.

Class is going well and I'm surprised at how much easier positions like downward dog or pigeon pose are becoming. I could always easily get into them before, but maintaining the pose for more than 10 or 15 seconds ended up becoming an issue for me. But with the month I've been in class, I can feel enough of a familiarity with each of the positions we do that I'm becoming a bit more nimble and able to stay still longer.

Granted, touching the floor with fully straight legs is still a problem.

The teacher isn't "odd" to me anymore because almost each class, we learn a new move- however without the name. Just, "Do x, y, z and hold." I don't mind as much anymore, to be honest.

I guess in general I'm just surprised at how good it makes me feel after the class. I'm much more awake and alert and I tend to find myself wanting to get back into an ever-relaxing shavasana whenever I'm feeling stressed. My muscles afterwards also feel very worked out... like running a mile uphill except without the pain and strain or tiredness.

Yoga: Week 1

On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings I'm taking Yoga classes for my physical education requirements for school. Somehow, in an odd way, I feel I should talk about the sessions here because they seem like they would make good food for thought.

Putting aside my minor complaints against teaching style, location of the class, and time in the day when it is held, this is my first time seriously taking Yoga classes. I've flirted with the idea before: sent books by a friend, attended a few classes here and there, but this is the first time I'm required to go on a weekly basis.

Today was the beginning of the actual practice sessions. It's been years since I stopped attending Tae Kwon Do lessons, so I'm really very out of shape and my flexibility was shot. I certainly felt that in the class this morning. While I know for certain that I'm much more flexible than I'm giving myself credit for, I know that such a thing really is beyond excusable. I'm quite determined to make progress with my body.

On the same token, the feeling leaving the class was still nice. My back felt stretched out in a good way; as if I had had a full work out, but none of the exhaustion that comes from it. The fact that all the muscles in my back felt as if they'd been worked comfortably and were in good shape felt great. However, I can't deny that such silly things as staying at the Plank position was painful and embarrassing.

In regards to the actual teaching style, etc., I want to mention that it's slightly disappointing that the instructor doesn't tell us the names of each move as we do them, let alone the moves we did today--- half were merely stretching moves that one might do before a run or work out session. I'm reminded that this is one of those "jack of all trades" sorts of teachers; I think she teaches 3 different exercise classes and doesn't specialize in this field.

Ryuusei.

I haven't abandoned this VOX, even though it's been a while since I've posted here. I've actually been updating my other VOX more frequently as of late. Creative pent-up energy? Slightly. That and the concerts I've been attending.

Either way, I'm disappointed in myself for a few different reasons.

The first one, is my lack of actual creative drive. I haven't drawn, painted, or worked on any substantial art over the summer. It's depressing that I want to be some sort of artist for a career, but I'm so lazy that I just don't do anything. Excuses come up on my end and it's just one thing after another as to why I don't perform. The same can be said as to the reason why I haven't touched my bass guitar in a long while. How am I ever to learn if I don't even pick it up off its stand? How am I ever to build a portfolio if I don't work on a piece of art? Its also so horridly embarrassing that others can find that motivation and love more than I can.

Next is my general procrastination. I have to have my smog check paperwork completed and turned in next month, but I haven't even sent in my paperwork to make sure I can qualify for federal aid with it. I have no idea how much this smog-check business will cost, but the feds can cover about 100$ if I qualify. All I had to do was photocopy a few sheets of paper and mail it in... but I haven't done that. And I've been sitting on the paperwork for about two months.

Adding to this, my debt. I owe so much money on my credit card, it's not even funny. All I can say is that I'm thankful I only have one credit card to pay. My following paychecks will be devoted to chipping away at it--- 80, 100$ every two weeks. If I continue like that for the next 3 months, the debt will be reasonable. However, my next semester of college is starting soon, and I have to register. Where is the money coming from? Oh? Don't have it? Damn. FAFSA? I haven't even done it yet.

Un-motivation is my middle name.

One deck at a time

So as of last week I "officially" ((to myself)) changed which tarot deck I'm studying and am trying to master, so to speak. For the past 4+ months I have been working with the Vampire Tarot almost exclusively and now it only lacks one thing: real world experience.

For those who don't read tarot, you really develop a relationship with your deck. You see it and you see certain cards in one aspect one day, and another another day. Real life experiences happening as predicted give you more insight on a card. Like "Oh yeah, I know that feeling of the 3 of pentacles!!" So that with those experiences, when you do the reading you can see patterns and understand exactly what that card brings about and lends to the reading

So how does this vary from deck to deck? Well, I've always been one who read looking at the images in the card. There are some that read as if to say "The Hierophant means __________", in an all encompassing manner that brings the meaning of that one key into a single umbrella. Then there are others ((like myself)) that take that prescribed meaning and give its offshoots, based on the deck. "In this image he seems tired... that applies to the Hierophant and the meaning like ________", etc. Either is valid, one is actually much more simple~ but me, always wanting to make it complicated, chose the visual one more often than not.

Either way, I felt it was time to move onto the next deck. I'm using the LS Manga now... and to be honest, it's an interesting place where I'm at. With the Vampire Tarot, I used it mostly for relationship readings. I learned and became accustomed to the deck using a certain spread, the Snapshot Relationship Spread... and overtime as events unfolded I gained insight to the deck as the cards switched in and out of that spread.

So now, I'm guessing that I'm looking for that one spread that will help me unlock the LS Manga.

Also, I just created a Tarot study group here on VOX. It's been lacking, I think~

Application.

I have to say I'm becoming increasingly discontent with Livejournal and the types of people I run into there on a regular basis. Not that I think they're bad ((and I don't agree with the recent Strikethrough '07 drama...))-- it just FEELS different.

I'm going to see about trying to make more love to VOX. I don't give it nearly enough attention as it deserves.

Slow.

I've been sitting here at my computer for the past hour or so, randomly clicking things that are really rather unimportant in the long run, contemplating what it is I want to blog about tonight. I've felt the insatiable need to blog but as soon as a topic "important" or "close" to me enough comes to mind... it drifts away. You can compare it to having a really great point in a conversation, but then having it slip away before you get to voice it. It was really great--- you remember that. But it's gone before you can vocalize it properly and have a good moment of input.

Either way, life goes fast for me now. Well, it's such a small amount of time... a week, two weeks-- but they feel as if an eternity passed within that time. The feeling of the world having changed dramatically can't be avoided for me right now. There's too many things to name, that to attempt to list everything I feel has changed would be rather... boring. And it's only been two weeks!

I guess the things that have left the most impression are the finishing of a semester of school as well as the recent Jrock Revolution two-day festival I mentioned briefly in my last post. I want to bring up two points that have really stayed with me as a result of the two.

1- Even through all the shitty ones--- I do have a few great friends.

2- Having no direction sucks for me as a person more than it might for anyone else.

Two seemingly completely different things, but somehow their passing in my life right now really is leaving an impact. The sort of thing you think about when you're mindlessly folding your laundry and putting it away. And right now, here I am at the kitchen table munching on a bowl of cereal with strawberries on top.

For something like #1, a person really has to ask themselves, do they really think about this on a day to day? Surprisingly for me, I do. For as little true friends I believe I have, I do my best not to take them for granted. And for as hard as it is for me to really trust a person, I know that when I do find that friend, I can't help but put them on a pedestal. Weird? Not really. Just that I know they have to jump through a million-and-one hurdles to really get me to speak my mind without fear of rejection and judgment. And for those friends, I just want to embrace them closer because they won't be the type I'd let disappear into the stream of life without a fight.

For something like #2, I guess the easiest way it can be put is that... I hate not having something to do. Or some goal to work towards. I like my free-time... but at the same time, if I don't feel I have something I should be doing, I'm lost, confused, and in a perpetual daze. In all honesty, it's depressing. Just like that feeling of not having ANYTHING to do over a summer vacation. I recall being a high schooler with no job, only staying home all summer. One day melded into another and another and another. By a couple weeks into the summer I was wishing I was back in school just for the sake of something to do. Yet when it comes down to it, I don't want to be busy. I just want the feeling of having a goal or something I need to do by XXXX date. Otherwise, I'm a walking disaster.