Bee's blog

Fog and walking though it.

Mission Street Poladroid

It seems like everyday I clamber out of bed in the morning to work at the ass-crack of dawn. I swipe my Clipper card over the scanner at the local BART station.  I become more accustomed to my new life.

By now I would have expected to be home sick for San Diego-- but barely three weeks in and it all ready feels like a life long, long ago. I won't lie and say I want to go back. It was a nice memory- I miss my friends, I miss seeing my family, but it's only "a little pain"; not gut wrenching but it aches a little bit. Here, I haven't sunk in my roots enough to have any big comfort except Kyle- but I'm working on it.

I haven't gotten used to watching the fog move over the skyline in record speed- or watching it roll down the hill out my window. One minute I have the entire valley to admire with all its twinkling little lights: the next moment the fog has swooped in so thickly I can't see twenty feet away. I'm looking forward to buying nice boots and a thick winter coat-- it'll make future visits to San Diego much more memorable with its time-capsule weather.

The Poladroid picture was one of the few images I've taken from within my car which gets driven so rarely now. The post office, the grocery store, the laundromat- the extent of the driving in LaHooundah, my little Honda Civic. My life is quickly changing to include walking, the bus, and the subway and I don't mind it one bit- except for still having car payments to make. I resent still having to take care of it.

I told my mother about all the walking I'm doing and the first thing she says is, "at least you'll finally lose some weight."    

But the creativity I've been feeling as of late has been amazing. I take pictures everywhere I go- I want to document the graffiti and street art that inspires me. This place continues to deliver and I hope it won't stop.

School starts tomorrow and the first class up is Fashion Illustration 2. I can't wait-- it'll distract me from the fact that I need to bust my ass extra hard to make ends meet. Not to say I'm complaining about being broke and without many resources for fun that include money--- it's just that I promised myself something nice and I'd like to be able to indulge in something for myself this weekend without feeling regret.

Street Art - Ocean Beach

Drugs and artists

Xposted from pinkrococo.com, my artist blog... which is currently down because my server is terrible.

Lady Gaga

Health Controversy: Do You Admire Stars Who Honestly Confess Drug Use or Would You Rather They Just Kept Quiet?

I've been holding onto this link from Yahoo!'s Shine for some time just because I wanted time to contemplate and debate it.

I'm kind of on the fence about for different reasons. Looking at the bigger picture (not just Lady Gaga as the article focuses on), drugs have been linked to artistic endeavors for as long as the two have been in existence. The first person that comes to mind is one of my favorite artists, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec who was a raging alcoholic but who created some amazing works. Yeah, it sucked that he was an alcoholic, but some of his most amazing pieces wouldn't have been created had he been "all there". There's also other notable examples such as when marijuana was introduced to Paris during Napoleon's reign and Le Club des Hashischins was formed to meet for the equivalent of the modern "sesh". And back in the 50s, there were ample experiments in the effects of LSD on the artist.
 

Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec "English man at the Moulin Rouge"

There's a few different things to consider.

• Are artists above "normal people" when it comes to drugs? No, everyone is human and they can become slaves to whatever they're taking. But I really believe that something has to be said for the drug use/artistic expression ratio that can come from it. No matter what your stance is on drugs, there's no denying it opens up doors in the mind and creativity that you might otherwise be unable to attain. (i.e. Psychedelic Art)
• Do the benefits of enhanced creativity outweigh the toll such drugs take on your body? This point is tricky because it bounces back to some of the reasons anyone might get into drugs in the first place- whether the ("positive") reason of experimentation or (the "negative") self medication-- example being Kurt Cobain and heroin. 
• At what point does the drug take control and the artist lose all control of their craft? Where is the line drawn on real art and anarchy?
  

To address the question posed by the original link, I would much rather prefer to know what drug an artist is on than not. It comes down to my curiosity about the drug-to-art result than any sort of moral reason for knowing. I can freely admit that while an artist in such an influential position as Lady Gaga should pick her words on the issue wisely, I don't mind if she does cocaine every once in a while. I personally wouldn't be able to do such a thing- but that's another issue. I think about Truman Capote and The Beatles and how such artistry may drive someone mad-- sometimes the result being to take drugs for comfort. It's interesting in a sad way, but it honestly feels like it goes hand in hand with the stigma of the "tragic artist" and is therefore just part of the territory and not something out of the ordinary.

Temperance and moving out

Temperance

This is probably one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn up to this point- Temperance. Especially when it comes to the difficult times I'm currently facing. And by difficult, I only mean "comparably difficult" because I'm not being beaten, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly, and in reality this could just be spun as me being a whiny little bitch.

But I know for a fact that this is beyond the antics of being a child and whining as such: there are undoubtedly bigger implications and life lessons to be gathered from my experience.

Either way, Temperance, as portrayed by Dana Driscoll's Tarot of Trees, makes me angry. Because I have this deck and this card is happy and even just industriously content in its surroundings... but here I am, unhappy and restless in my own. Planning a huge life step by moving out, I feel as if I have restless legs syndrome. If I don't follow through with it and pursue this now, I'll be stuck here for another year, trapped. And Temperance- which is the answer to the question of "What can I do today to prepare to move out?"... a question I've begun to ask every single morning- (works, btw)- makes me feel even more powerless.

I all ready have my preconceived notions and ideas of what Temperance means... patience, discovery with time, and perseverance even. In the small microcosm that is my life, this day is just one day. This card is just one card. But needlessly said, pulling it from the deck this morning felt like I was smacked across the face with a dead fish.

As I stated when I started this post, my life isn't terrible. I'm not in dire straights... yet. But in trying to be optimistic, trying to plan and be prepared, trying to have a leap of faith where I have no idea where I could land... man- this card doesn't make me feel good about myself.

Countdown to the proposed move out,  3.5 months. Seems like a long time from now, but considering I'm doing this mostly on my own (with only the help of my boyfriend), I'm worried and scared and frightened. I'm scared of the fight I'll have with my family at just picking up and leaving. I'm not even yet concerned at what they're going to say at me living with my boyfriend... I'm just thinking of the unnecessary hardship that will get thrown on me when they find out I've all ready signed a lease and have made moving arrangements on my own. Shouldn't I be proud of all that, though? Being independant and what not. I guess this really is taking life by the horns and just doing it. I'm 23, damnit, shits gotta be done. 

So Temperance, I'll learn you.

Day Four updates

So today is basically Day Four since I did that meditation/spell/thing to get myself to feel the energies around me. I'm not even halfway through the ordeal and I'm shocked that I'm even feeling anything. It's actually really taken me aback and I think I'm slowly starting to understand the different phases of this process. Also, I'm glad I picked nine days because... it's like a taste of it all without being too overwhelming??

Actually, it's been a lot to deal with so far and I'm having to make some interesting compromises to really get into this.

Day Two was probably one of the most shocking for me because of how it reminded me of panic and anxiety attacks I used to have when I was younger- I'd just feel overwhelmed and freak out. But, I understood what it was this time around. During a break at work I sat outside on the patio and just felt the wind and energies flowing around me and it was just extremely loud in my head. My temples hurt and noises weren't LOUD, but just extremely clear. I went back to work and my eyes couldn't stop focusing on the most tiny things like the demeanor of someone walking in or the glittering reflection of an ice cube.

I explained this to my coworker who gave me my Flower of Life and he understood and felt what I was doing; he said to make sure to just breathe deeply and breathe through my diaphragm... that it gets easier with time. Also, the breathing would distract me from being overpowered by the activity and swirling energies going on around me. Considering what I was experiencing and what I was feeling, I was glad I completely understood what he was talking about!

Since then, yesterday and today have been different. I haven't felt overwhelmed like that but rather way more sensitive internally. And by that, the foods I'm eating and the things I've been drinking have been affecting me much more than I might normally be aware or accustomed to. Dairy is making me physically ill and my taste buds are very alert. I took a bite of something covered in deep fried batter and had to spit it out because it tasted too strong and the texture and feeling of disgust were too much. Same thing with creme cheese and eggs and whipped creme. I can't describe it more than feeling like my body is making its opinion known, especially since this is my diet fairly regularly.

Either way, I'm interested on where this experience is taking me and hope to be able to ground myself a little better in case another overwhelming experience like a few days ago goes down.

Meditating on other's energies.

I don't feel like a victim of circumstance or anything, but I've recently decided that I'm going to focus on trying to be more at peace with the energies of the people around me. Or at least, be able to flow and "go with it"; go with the flow.

For the first time in quite a while, I went out and did some drawings at one of the recent parks where I live, taking a little while to meditate and mentally prep myself for such an endeavor.

I've got to say, that as easy as it SEEMS, I am just a little bit afraid. I wrote about this in my journal and I'm aware of the fact that it's a little scary, but I'm not shying away. Aware of all the repercussions? No. Not in the least and I'm aware that the universe can throw some curve balls at me whenever it damn well pleases. But, I'm definitely willing to give this a try.

So what would this sort of thing entail? Being aware of the energies of others and being able to move within them. It's not about wanting to know what's going on in their hearts or minds but instead just being more sensitive to the essence of... "them". And as I said, this could be kind of frightening because the mood swings and energies of others are extremely erratic. But from what I think and feel about my surroundings, I want to feel elemental energies and different balances of others.

I can't say I'm anywhere NEAR fully in tune with the zodiac or anything, but I'm more aware of the major elements of others than someone might expect. I can't pinpoint, "oh, he's a Cancer"-- but I can say, "he's got a lot of water in him." So with what I was thinking about- wanting to be more in tune with people's energies, I want to be more in tune with those elements. I want to be able to see that as events happen that an element takes precedence and ripples through the energies of the people involved.

It's all extremely poetic but as I said it can be quite scary. I couldn't help but reflect on how being swept up in the moods of others would be borderline empathic and I honestly don't want to delve that deeply into things. It could affect me in a negative way if I were to become too preoccupied in the energies of the others and forget myself in the process. It'd be taxing on my energies in more than one way.

Then again, even that would be a learning experience, wouldn't it?

I don't know. I think I'm going to give myself nine days to experience this and meditate on it. Today has been a disaster because I haven't really done that but the day isn't over so there's still time to relax my senses and make it happen. And as for nine days, well, it's a beautiful number isn't it? I could go on and on about the Triple Goddess or whatever, but instead I like it for its numerology aspect and the fact that it's about COMPLETION. 3 x 3, yeah, but 9 is before 10... before the cycle repeats itself. Makes more sense in my mind to pin it on that reason versus "ZOMGITSTHEGODDESS." It's knowledge I can accept in my own experience and in my own practical ways.

Religulous and my Flower of Life

I finally watched Religulous after wanting to see it since its release and I have to say... I was actually kind of really amused and impressed. It takes a lot of balls to say the things and ask the questions that Bill Maher confronted fundamentalist religious people with; I know I wouldn't be able to do it.

At the same time, it poses so many good questions that so many people are refusing to face within their own religious tenets- even my own. But, I wasn't offended by the movie in the least... it begs me to ask more questions about why I think the things I do and how I came to those conclusions which is so much more fulfilling than blind faith. Like... half the fun is just coming and stumbling on my own ideas and my own intellect than having it so easily written down in a book. I want to be able to decypher why I think what I do.

Why We Believe What We Believe: Uncovering Our Biological Need for Meaning, Spirituality, and Truth

There was a guy in the movie who was interviewed who I wish would have had more speaking time, a scientist who was spoken to at New York's Grand Central Station. The guy was Andrew Newberg and the books he's written definitely have me curious about his work. I think I want to go and pick up Why We Believe What We Believe just for kicks; I can see it being very insightful as to how the brain processes spiritual experiences and I really don't see it hindering my own spiritual thoughts... if anything, it'd be kind of liberating. If I can understand the state of my brain when I meditate- or what I'm actually doing to my thoughts as I read cards and connect meanings, it'd be kind of exciting-- not in the least bit submissive.

On a related note, I received the Flower of Life drawing one of my coworkers did for me and its amazingly beautiful. You wouldn't think that such simple shapes repeated over and over would be so comforting and soothing. I love that as I look at it, I'm deeply engaged and there never seems to be a moment when I'm bored looking at the repeating circles. It reminds me of the Spinning Ballerina Dancer and even the Necker Cube because as I look at it, I can pick out different shapes and layers.

My friend also charged it and I figure it should be fine to post what it was he wrote for me to read about it... without knowing me, you can't know what the charge really means, but it's nice nonetheless.

"The 4th Rotation from the Void

This piece is charged with the intent to connect to the energy beyond all the Elements, that connective force that holds the stars and the cells in your body.

When exposed to this, you will become aware that its ok to have what you want (for the good of all). You are here to bring Heaven on Earth by finding your Hapiness and your Truth.

Be rooted and find the Now, then you shall know God. Then you shall experience true Love.

New year, new energies and people

Lately my life has started to fill with a rather different array of artists and spiritual people that I really can't ignore this as a sign anymore. At first I was taking it in a rather passive way: "there just so happens to be these sort of people around me now."- of course, taking place almost exactly on the New Year. Now each one of these people's dimensions are becoming more known to me than before. Not that I'm complaining but it's definitely putting me on my toes and serves as a strange validation.

Artistically, being questioned and prodded into action. Being held accountable to constantly be doing something creative... it's different. I hear about how they're working on X, Y, or Z and then they ask what I've been doing. Or suggest projects we should do together... Even though I've never worked with these people, opportunities are opening to where I can suddenly surprise them to take up the offer. A couple of them are comic artists and one of them sculpts. And, things are sorting themselves out in my life more to where these sorts of doors are able to be opened readily. For example, it's the middle of February and I've finally finished sorting myself out of all these mini side projects that have been taking up too much of my time...

Spiritually I'm a little bit more thrown off guard. At my workplace I see and come into contact with someone who both unnerves me but also puts me at ease. He radiates so much fluid energy and is extremely aware of his spirituality that I feel disoriented; I'm nowhere near the level he is or he's experiencing. But, as I said before, there's a strange validation going on between us. I read tarot for him and he was surprised and put at ease more than I had been expecting. As I said, strange validation: I hadn't expected someone at his level to hear something from someone like me. As a sign of mutual exchange, he's drawing something using Sacred Geometry that I will be able to meditate on.

So as I said, different fluid energies and people around me right now that it's making me feel good in my own shoes. Or in my own socks or in my own skin or whatever. The old me in the first posts of this blog feel like a distant memory but that's ok. I think the more comfortable I am interpreting the people around me, the stronger and happier person I'll be. And I'm definitely working on that right now.

glass skin?

Lately I've been thinking about sending something into PostSecret, but then the question of... "what?" comes up next with that. All my secrets are important to who I am as a person, however they all seem fleeting and taken for granted. In the time it would take me to come up with a postcard to send in, the fleeting-ness of my secret would make it feel unimportant and I don't think I'd have the desire to send it. And I want to make my secret submission something deep and meaningful and a good strong sentence that says a lot more than just the simple words on a card.

Of course, my secrets would include things I've told you privately- but I'd have to articulate them more. They might even include things that I'm even ashamed to tell you for fear of judgement of my character and fear of being deamed an attention whore- even from my best friend. It's a retarded reservation, but there are things that I know even you would feel uncomfortable talking about. If you can't tell your best friend some of your scariest secrets- who can you tell? Rhetorical, but so damn true. I don't think I would even have the courage to tell my ((LOL))soul mate[!] some of my secrets. I'd be terrified. And it's not something based out of just plain fear- it's like a fact to me.

Some of it is spiritual, some of it is sexual, some of it is just pure maniacal- like admitting my fetishes, horrendously violent thoughts, or just expading on cynisism of the world or hell- even just admitting the simple things that make me the most elated and happy to be alive. Basically- yes, fleeting.

Thinking on this subject, it really reminds me how much people are the most alike and how much I forget that other people have these sorts of thoughts at the same time as me. On a day-to-day basis, people seem like pure characatures of people: not "real beings". Besides the chosen few I stake out whose opinions matter, I forget that everyone else's mind is going at the exact same time- that they're thinking about things at the same time and maybe mirroring my own perseptions as well. Mundane things like, "wow- that cookie smells delicious..." or "it's cold outside!" or "what am I gonna eat for dinner when I get home?". Plain thoughts, ya, but I take for granted and just forget that billions of people on this planet have a little microcosm of thought swirling around in their head.

Remember when I said that I'm not that scared of being just a tiny being in the entire world of billions? That my problems are in fact pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things... and how that sort of thing doesn't scare me? It doesn't. However, knowing that everyone on the planet is thinking and pondering and forming together strings of thoughts or sentences or math equations seems to terrify me much more.

Even though I'm terrified of that... I indulge in watching facial expressions of people who I'm talking to, blowing off the conversation completely, deciding to remind myself that the facial expression is just a mere shadow of the thoughts that are rolling around in their head as they chemically process the world they're interacting in. It's fascinating and it fucking scares me at the same time.

Bookish thoughts

So in a flurry of frustration, I finally decided to throw Raven Grimassi's Italian Witchcraft into the dark recesses of my closet shelf in an attempt to forget everything I'd just inhaled. However, I can't deny that I'm much more eagerly in the mood to read, research, and just KNOW. A couple weeks ago I stopped by the local Borders and picked up a book that is way more well researched and essentially... entertaining.

The Classical World: An Epic History from Homer to Hadrian

I'm currently still digesting the chapters about tyrants and what was originally considered "freedom", but Robin Lane Fox's The Classical World is honestly proving to be an awesome book. It's not so much a traditional high school text book as a narrative that is interesting and I'm actually learning a lot so far. Granted, I originally stepped into the bookstore looking for a single Roman history book, it may really be to my advantage to brush over some Greek history as well. As I plow through the book more, I'm sure I'll be talking more about what I learn, but for now, I think a simple appreciation for well researched and well thought out narrative will do nicely.

Da Vinci Code

Also just finished from my reading list was Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code. To be honest... I can't say I was THAT enamored with the story. The movie was mediocre, the book was just "ok" to me. I definitely liked the nice conspiracy aspects of researching the Sacred Feminine- but as someone who at least knows the basics of that sort of history, I can't say what I read was any huge revelation. It was interesting and at least it was put out there in lay-man terms. I know my grandmother read it, as well as the parents of a lot of friends I know. Somehow as engrossed in the story as they were, I really can't imagine they learned very much or took anything with them from the story. If they saw the pentacle I wear around my neck, they'd probably think I'm up to no good. But alas, for what it was, the story was at least entertaining.

Worth noting, this is the first fiction book (besides the last Harry Potter book that came out...) that I've read in some time. I realized just a little bit that I've actually sort of missed it; I may start picking out random books from now on and try and get into them. Or at least try and read the "classics"- you know, Catcher in the Rye, Don Quixote, A Tale of Two Cities. It'd be cool to actually know what the hell happens in them that makes them so popular.

More beating of a dead horse with a stick

Italian Witchcraft: The Old Religion of Southern Europe

Raven Grimassi

So I keep trucking through Raven Grimassi's Italian Witchcraft, judging each topic I read on with a weary eye- and so far, it's... ok. The distinction must be made clearly in my mind that while the content itself may hold some truths, the writing is poorly lacking and I have to strongly attempt to ignore lack of sources or verifiable history.

At this point, I'm more than halfway through the book and a few things prompted me to actually sit up a bit more and pay attention, and not in the "good" way. I did a bit of reseach on Grimassi and it turns out his other books include Crafting Wiccan Traditions and The Wiccan Mysteries- both of which well, directly deal with Wicca which is what I actually wanted to avoid getting into. Just the other day I ventured to a Borders bookstore and browsed through them and it's the usual stuff that someone like Silver Ravenwolf might spit out. My mental voice almost wants to laugh at me telling me "what do you expect from Llewelynn?"

Regardless, I think I'm a bit more ready to voice my complaints on this book as well as make some notes about the positive things I can draw out from both the experience and the content of the writings.

Complaints include...

1. Lack of a strong comprehensive argument for Italian Witchcraft and its history. Naming Charles Leland as essentially the only source for this tradition is pretty pitiful. Every other excerpt was from one of his books and even after reading up on Leland, I think the concept of totally believing his Maddalena to be pretty damn sad. Having a single source for anything leads to being manipulated and led astray. I would have really appreciated more historical records beyond supposed Inquisition transcripts to be included (heck- I would have appreciated excerpts from transcripts, even!) There were no dates, no real tangible references to people or places or even art works, engravings, sculptures, or anything that can be verified or sourced as real evidence for the tradition having survived through the ages.
2. The transition between Eutruscan, Roman, Midevil, and history beyond those times is fragmented and incoherent. By this, I mean there is no real distinction between the three, or four (including contemporary times) eras within Italian history and their contribution to the "Old Religion". While I can understand the precepts do not allow for public knowledge of the tradition, I think a better effort could have been made to show what specific things were added from each era. If it's a time tested "old religion", it should be able to be charted through the ages and by the transitions it made and by its adaptions. If this can't be proven, then it really isn't something that is as old as is being claimed.
3. Tana- Tanus? And wtf happened to Diana and the Lara? The first third of the book talks about the supposed history, going over how the Inquisition interrogations received information about Diana and the moon and the seasons, etc, but after the history aspect, Tana and Tanus are the two names shoved into the book last minute. I've gone through reading all the rituals in the book and those two names are regarded to be essentially the God and Goddess... after they were essentially ignored through the entire beginning of the book. I've glanced over the Appendixes and see that there's a section devoted to them, but I damn well didn't appreciate how there was no evidence or reason for them to suddenly be the worshiped deities especially after Grimassi spent so much time making the case over Diana or household Lara. As a note before the rituals, Grimassi explains that these are from his own rituals after a coven he put together, a tradition he started. I seriously don't want to read about that; instead I'd like to read about this supposed Italian Witchcraft that is supposed to be really really really old and have it's own rituals, beliefs, and traditions.
4. It's just plainly Wicca under a different name. I really just can't get past this. The author spends a third of the book trying to prove that Italian Witchcraft was supposed to be the source and one of the main inspirations for Wicca today as we know it, but by now I think it was just an attempt to cover up something that is one and the same. The writer writes about Wicca- he really knows it backwards and forwards, no doubt. However, the rituals he provides are essentially the same as those within the major Wiccan traditions and his arguments at trying to prove otherwise don't hold much water, let alone contradict themselves. If the old Italian witches worshipped Diana (I don't doubt this fact is true; she was such an important Goddess during at least Roman times), why is there the almost mandatory inclusion of a God within the rituals when the old cults of Diana were more important? "God" versus "Diana" is more impersonal; ancient peoples knew who Diana was; the concept of a nameless, polar, and "equal" God is much more recent than that.

I have other minor complaints that include blatant statements like:

Traditionally everyone slipped away into the fields and engaged in sexual activity, laying among the crops, to conclude the ritual"

Ya. Ok. Maybe they did. I personally don't believe it's so outrageous. But where is damn proof?

As for things I didn't mind reading about,

1. The chapter titled The Art of Magick. It really had nothing to do with Italian Witchcraft and seemed like it was thrown in there as an after thought (heck, "magick", in that spelling and all- is more of a contemporary concept than an ancient one...). However, for just a general overview, it was written decently. It's a good basic overview for the entire scope.
   
2. While there was no real explanation for the concept of a "grove", there's well, groves. It's just a personal preference, but I think calling a group a "grove" is more homely and earthy than calling it a "coven". Is this me shying away from witchy stereotypes? Maybe; I just think "grove" sounds natural versus "coven" which sounds  pretentious.